Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
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