I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Only a**holes use bidets.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Dialysis is a blood bath.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Go to BabaMail
