Why is it important to compliment non-external traits?
Research shows that a compliment can improve mood and create a positive relationship, and experts recommend focusing on non-external traits. Of course, it's appropriate to compliment physical appearance as well, but the best compliments show appreciation for energy, passion, determination, strength, and kindness—traits that truly make the person special in our eyes. Here are some reasons why these compliments are more beneficial and important:
It highlights the person's qualities
We often cannot significantly influence our physical appearance, and it doesn't truly define who we are. In contrast, traits like humor, empathy, determination, or intelligence shape our behavior and reflect our values, so they are more connected to who we really are.
It creates a deep connection
A compliment is a gift that's easy to give and delightful to receive. When you compliment someone on their character or abilities, you're essentially telling them that you're paying attention to them and not overlooking them. This helps strengthen your bond and encourages a relationship that's not superficial.
It lasts longer
Our appearance changes over time, especially how we look in certain clothes or hairstyles. But our character often remains the same throughout life, and as mentioned, it represents who we are much more. Therefore, such a compliment lasts longer in the recipient's mind, along with the positive feeling it generates.
It boosts self-esteem
Of course, compliments like "You look beautiful today" or "This beard looks great on you" boost confidence in our appearance. However, compliments that touch on character or abilities can do so on a much deeper level. They affirm who we are and what we're good at, truly helping to raise our self-confidence in everything we choose to do.
It encourages personal growth
When you compliment someone on the effort they've put in, their creativity, or problem-solving abilities, they will want to use those skills more and even develop them until they become an integral part of who they are, even if they don't feel these traits define them. Consistent compliments like these can be a significant source of motivation.
How to give unique and genuine compliments?
Dr. Romanoff recommends first emphasizing what you appreciate about your partner. "When you think of them, what is the first thing that comes to mind? How do they change the atmosphere in a room when they enter? How does their energy affect you? What about their personality makes your day?" She explains that the best compliment shows appreciation for the unique things about the person you're complimenting.
Tatiana Rivera Cruz, a therapist and clinical social worker, also emphasizes that your compliments should be as focused as possible. "Instead of giving a general compliment like 'You're so good' or 'You're amazing,' focus on specific actions or qualities you truly value and admire." For example, Cruz explains, if your partner has an incredible ability to stay calm in stressful situations, you can say: "I really appreciate how you handled that today. You stayed calm, and it helped everyone else relax too." Such a statement highlights your partner's special ability, shows that you noticed it, and demonstrates your appreciation for its impact on you and others.
20 examples of compliments to give your partner
If you need a bit more help coming up with ideas for non-appearance-based compliments, here are 20 compliments you can use, tweaking them as needed to match your partner's unique personality:
1. You are so thoughtful—that's one of my favorite things about you.
2. You have such a calming effect on me.
3. Your joy is contagious.
4. You're so calm amidst all the chaos—it's amazing!
5. Your positivity is like sunshine on a rainy day.
6. You bring out the best in me.
7. You're the only person I can fully trust.
8. You're the glue that holds our family together.
9. You inspire me to give my 100% effort.
10. You have a way of explaining things that makes everything clearer.
11. You know how to tell every story in a captivating way.
12. You're so good at [specific skill].
13. With you, even the most boring thing in the world can be fun.
14. You always know what to say to make people feel better.
15. You're such a great listener—that's why you understand me.
16. With you, I feel comfortable being myself.
17. You have a way of making everyone feel included.
18. Your creativity always amazes me.
19. Your passion for the things you love is incredible.
20. You are the kindest person I know, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life.
