Grandparents can be great role models and a wonderful source of emotional support and good advice for every grandchild. Of course, they can also be extra helping hands for parents in raising children. However, not all grandparents do this in a way that doesn’t present certain challenges for parents, and this is especially true when dealing with narcissistic grandparents. They are very concerned with how they present themselves to the world and use control and manipulation techniques to ensure they are seen the way they want, which can make things difficult for parents and potentially harm children. It is not easy to identify narcissistic grandparents, as their behavior appears loving and supportive, but there are some red flags that can help recognize this behavior. We will now present them so you can be aware of them, as well as what to do if this is the situation you find yourself in.
Why is it important to know if you are dealing with narcissistic grandparents?
Almost every grandchild loves their grandparents because of the role they play in their lives. They usually engage in fun interactions, give out treats that parents might be more reserved about, and provide a strong sense of love and acceptance, as they are generally not as involved in disciplining children as parents are. However, because grandchildren approach their relationships with grandparents with openness, acceptance, and innocence, they can easily become targets for manipulative and harmful emotional behavior.
The simple fact is that narcissistic grandparents are harmful to both parents and grandchildren due to their need to control every situation, their verbal abuse, and their tendency to create divisions when they feel threatened—whether by the parents or the children. This is why it is important to recognize this behavior early and understand that it is not a personal attack on you or your children. Rather, it is simply behavior that they see as right and even necessary. However, this is not something you have to accept, nor is it something your children should be exposed to without boundaries.
12 signs that indicate narcissistic grandparents
It is natural for parents and grandparents to have some disagreements about raising children. However, certain behaviors from grandparents indicate narcissistic tendencies or even Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which we will discuss later. These are the signs you should watch out for:
1. Inability to form genuine connections: Narcissistic grandparents often seek constant validation, leading to shallow relationships even with those they love.
2. Lack of empathy: They may struggle to understand others' emotions and show genuine concern for them.
3. Demand for respect or obedience: They may expect their grandchildren to respect them without maintaining a relationship that justifies this expectation.
4. Undermining parental authority: They may challenge your authority as parents and even attempt to establish their own authority over your children.
What is the difference between narcissistic tendencies and Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Even if you recognize some of these traits in your parents, it is important to distinguish between narcissistic behavior and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The truth is that almost everyone has narcissistic traits to some degree, as they help build confidence and self-esteem. However, the key difference is that a person with a true disorder consistently feels victimized, cannot tolerate the success of others, and is unable to put their own needs and desires aside.
What to do if you suspect your grandparents are narcissistic?
If you are concerned that your parents or your partner’s parents exhibit narcissistic traits and behaviors, here are some expert-recommended steps to take:
Talk about boundaries
Talk to your children about boundaries and help them practice setting boundaries they are comfortable with.
Set boundaries for the grandparents
As parents, you need to establish clear boundaries without engaging in power struggles.
Demonstrate what unconditional love looks like
Your children need a secure attachment with the people who care for them. In such an attachment style, they receive support, positive reinforcement, and the confidence to explore the world around them. They know that no matter what happens or how far they go from their parents, they will always receive unconditional love from them. This provides them with the freedom and ability to grow and take developmental risks, even without their parents by their side. The more you give them this feeling, the better you can counteract the efforts of the grandparents to steer the child in the opposite direction—towards an insecure attachment that leads to ambivalent anxiety or avoidance of relationships. You can click here to learn more about Attachment Theory.
Demonstrate healthy relationship dynamics
Whether in relationships with your partner, uncles and aunts, friends, or even the grandparents themselves, you must show your children what healthy relationships look like. This includes:
- Healthy communication
- Positive interactions
- Mutual respect
- Empathetic interactions
If you allow your children to witness these behaviors, you will help them recognize for themselves how the grandparents are behaving inappropriately, thereby counteracting their influence.
Know when to distance yourself and limit contact
If the grandparents' behavior is severe, you may need to limit or even completely cut off contact in certain situations. This step is especially necessary when emotional abuse is involved. You and your children may need professional help and therapy sessions to process the experiences with the grandparents. The bottom line is—any form of emotional abuse is unacceptable. Your children should never have to endure it from anyone, regardless of their relationship to them.
Final Words
Your children are your greatest treasure, and it is your responsibility to protect them from anyone who may harm them. Even if you feel a great deal of empathy for the grandparents, if they are unwilling to respect the boundaries you set and cannot control their harmful behavior, you must do what is necessary to prevent your children from suffering lifelong damage. Remember, if distancing or setting firm boundaries is required, you are not to blame—their actions are. You are simply doing what is right for your children, which is your primary role as a parent.
