Every day we find ourselves arguing with them again to brush their teeth or sit down to do their homework. A thousand times we've already asked them to tidy up their toys and put everything back in its place, but nothing helps, and that's even before we start talking about helping with household chores. Everything we ask of them turns into arguments and shouting, and we simply don’t have the energy to fight with them anymore. Many parents complain that their children don’t cooperate with them. They ignore requests, don’t participate in household chores, refuse to join family activities, and respond with insolence and disrespect.
If you are also frustrated that your child doesn’t respond, or worse, ignores your requests, it’s time to understand why this happens and change your approach. In this article, you will find 4 important tips that will help you better understand what your child is going through and how to encourage their cooperation instead of engaging in power struggles.
The Desire for Independence and Control
Children, especially at a young age, begin to experience a sense of separation from their parents and develop their independence and personality, which are an important part of the natural developmental process. They try to take control over as many things as possible. Any task we impose on them, especially one they perceive as mandatory, may make them feel, even unconsciously, that someone is trying to control them, leading to immediate resistance. When you approach your child, try not to sound commanding, like: "Calm down!" or "Sit nicely!" or "Which part of the sentence didn’t you understand?" because most likely, the child will simply ignore you and continue what they are doing. Commands don’t sit well with us adults either.
Change your approach to one that is instructive and explanatory, and say, for example: "Food is something we eat, not play with," and they will already understand what is expected of them. Set boundaries firmly but respectfully, because ultimately the goal is for them to carry out your request or change their behavior through cooperation and in a pleasant way.
Make Eye Contact
Many times, we ask our children to do something while we’re busy with their younger siblings or work emails. The children don’t always realize we’re addressing them, or they don’t understand what is expected of them, leading to frustration on both sides and turning into a power struggle.
When you speak to your child, look them directly in the eyes and capture their attention. This way, you’ll know they heard what you said and understood what you’re asking of them. Eye contact creates better and more effective communication, replacing commands thrown into the air while you’re multitasking, which often fall on deaf ears. You’ll be surprised to see how eye contact immediately and significantly improves their attention and execution.
Don’t Say 'No,' Offer Alternatives
As parents, we often use words like 'no,' 'don’t,' or 'forbidden.' The more we say these words, the more likely they are to do the opposite. Moreover, when a child hears 'no,' it often triggers a defensive or aggressive reaction, and they stop listening altogether. Prohibition is hard for children to grasp because they must simultaneously understand what’s forbidden and what is expected instead.
Therefore, instead of saying, "Don’t leave the toys on the floor," ask them, "Please put the toys back in their place." Instead of, "Don’t run on the wall," say, "It’s dangerous; you can run on the sidewalk." Try to speak in terms of general rules instead of focusing directly on them. For example, instead of saying, "Don’t hit," say, "In our house, we use words, not hands."
You can also turn the request into a game to make it more engaging. Instead of threatening that they won’t watch TV until they pick up the blocks, divide into teams and say, "Mom and Omer will pick up all the green and blue blocks, and Yoav will pick up only the red blocks. Let’s see who finishes first!" This way, the task becomes enjoyable and pleasant.
Listen to Them
Children make countless requests of us daily, and when we say no, it can cause anger, tantrums, or tears. Instead of an outright 'no,' try saying, "Not right now," or, "We can’t go to the park this hour, but after you finish your homework, I’ll happily go out with you." This shifts their perception and experience. For example, if your child asks to eat ice cream at an unsuitable time, offer them two options for when it would be okay. Look for a "deferred yes" instead of saying "no." It’s important for children to feel significant and know their opinions matter. Respect them by genuinely listening and engaging in respectful and empathetic conversations. Respect doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing to everything they request.
There are many diverse reasons why our children don’t always cooperate with us. Sometimes, their lack of cooperation is a way of expressing emotions. Children might use refusal to cooperate as a way to express negative feelings like frustration, anger, sadness, or helplessness. Sometimes, their unwillingness to cooperate is an attempt to get attention from their parents or surroundings. When it comes to household chores, some children view them as a punishment and see no interest or challenge in them, considering them something that takes away from their play and leisure time, leading to even more resistance.
What’s important to know is that children need our boundaries, combined with love and respect, which provide them with a sense of security and the feeling that they can trust us to guide them. Choose your battles. Let go of the 'no' in areas that aren’t your red lines. If you correct them on every small thing, they will stop listening and cooperating. If you set a boundary or make a statement, stand behind your words, because words that aren’t backed by actions won’t work next time.
Empowering parenting allows for everything to be laid on the table and discussed openly from a young age, in an accessible and age-appropriate way. When we accustom our children to emotional conversations where everything is up for discussion, they’ll cooperate more, feel more secure, and trust us as parents to be there for them and lead them.
