1. The Real Argument Lies Beneath the Surface
Most arguments consist of two factors – the issue that surfaces and the issue that remains beneath the surface, unspoken or unnoticed. All the frustrations about the dishes in the sink, for example, are almost never about the dishes themselves sitting in the sink without anyone thinking to wash them. It’s just a symptom of a deeper problem, where one partner doesn’t feel heard or seen and generally feels unimportant to the other.
So if an argument arises over something that seems trivial to you and shouldn’t spark a full-blown fight, ask yourselves: What is this really about? What’s really making my partner so angry? That’s the issue you’ll need to talk about.
2. You Usually Argue in Two Different Languages
Each of us learned how to argue with a partner from what we saw at home. For you, it might have been shouting, while for your partner, it might have been retreating to a room or completely avoiding arguments and conflicts. These are two entirely different languages, and you can’t communicate properly when you’re not speaking the same language, right?
So the next time your partner reacts in a way that doesn’t seem “normal” to you during an argument, don’t ask them, “Why are you doing this?” Instead, ask each other—and preferably when you’re not arguing—“What did arguments look like in your family growing up?” Answer the question yourselves too, and that way you’ll understand why you argue the way you do.
3. One Wants Space and the Other Wants to Talk – What Do You Do?
This is one of the most common situations in relationship arguments. Emotions are at their peak, but one of you responds by asking for space, while the other wants to keep talking to resolve the argument right then and there. Neither approach is wrong, but if you force each other to do what doesn’t feel right at that moment, it won’t lead to the resolution you’re hoping for.
For those who need space: Promise your partner: “I love you, and I need a break to calm down. Let’s talk about this again in [X amount of time].”
For those who need to talk: Respect the break your partner is asking for. But emphasize that you want to continue talking about the issue later so you don’t feel ignored.
4. Your Ego Will Try to Convince You to Win – Don’t Let It
The more intense your emotions, the harder your ego works to solve the problem. You stop listening and focus on what’s important for you to convey to make your partner understand you, but it doesn’t work. Remember that in a relationship, if one partner “wins” an argument, you both actually lose.
Make it a habit to ask yourselves: “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be understood?” And do everything you can to stop trying to come out as the righteous one.
5. The Way You Start the Argument Predicts How It Will End
The psychologists Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman wrote an entire book on how to argue properly in a relationship, and they found from their experience that in 96% of cases, the way an argument starts determines how it will end. If it begins with accusations and sarcasm, the argument is already lost. A “healthy” and proper argument needs to start as a respectful conversation.
So instead of starting the argument with a sentence like “You never listen to me,” try something more like “I feel like I’m not being understood, and I really want us to work on that so you can understand me.”
6. Your Body Might Be in “Fight or Flight” Mode During the Argument
When your pulse rises above 100 beats per minute during an argument, your body enters “fight or flight” mode. When that happens, your brain stops thinking logically, and continuing the conversation will be ineffective for solving the problem.
If you’re the one overwhelmed with emotions: Take a break of at least 20 minutes from the conversation and do something else to calm your nervous system—go for a walk, do breathing exercises, or listen to music.
If your partner is overwhelmed with emotions: Give them space without taking offense, and agree to meet later to continue the conversation when they’re calmer.
7. Threatening to Leave Damages the Trust Between You
You might be tempted to say things like “Maybe we should just break up?” or “I can’t take this anymore!” But that will never make your partner see your side during an argument or apologize. It will only make them doubt the relationship you have. Even if you don’t really mean it, such statements in a relationship can weaken the trust built between you and even create insecurity in your partner.
So instead of saying things that imply “We’re done,” opt for something like “I’m feeling really frustrated right now and don’t want to say something I don’t mean, so let’s take a moment and continue talking when we’re calmer.”
8. Unresolved Feelings Won’t Disappear – They’ll Resurface in the Next Argument
Sometimes arguments escalate simply because we carry feelings from previous arguments. If small arguments turn into bigger ones than they should be, it’s very possible there’s resentment lingering from unresolved feelings. So ask yourselves whether you’re really angry or upset about what’s happening now, or if it’s frustration that’s been building over time from a different unresolved issue?
But before bringing up past issues, ask yourselves, “Do I really need closure, or am I just trying to prove a point?” In general, instead of harboring resentment, make it a habit to check in with yourselves from time to time (not during an argument) and see if there’s something bothering you. Maybe there’s something you haven’t talked about or resolved properly that’s still nagging at you? If so, talk about it calmly before it resurfaces in an argument.
9. Not Every Argument Has a Perfect Solution, and That’s Okay
Studies show that 69% of arguments in relationships don’t get fully and clearly resolved. This is because each partner has a different personality, values, and life experiences, so the goal isn’t to “fix” each other but to find ways to cope and manage certain situations with respect and understanding.
So how do you know if this is the case? If it seems like your argument has no “right” solution and keeps coming up in different ways and forms, it’s probably not a problem to solve but a situation to learn how to handle properly—from both sides.
10. Just Saying “Sorry” Isn’t Enough – You Need to Reconnect
An argument doesn’t really end when you stop yelling at each other, but when you feel heard, understood, and reconnected with one another. Couples who repair their relationship quickly after an argument don’t let resentment build up. They understand the hurt caused and each other’s feelings, and together they plan how to prevent it from happening again.
An attempt to repair could be, for example: “I don’t like arguing and don’t want to feel like we’re drifting apart. Are we okay now?” Just talking about it will already help. If you said something hurtful, you could say now, “I realize what I said was wrong, and I’m sorry—I don’t want to talk to you like that ever again.” If that doesn’t help and your partner is still upset, you could add, “I understand you need some time, but I want to show you I care, and I’m here for you if you want to talk.”
