Just like there are illnesses that develop quietly without symptoms until one day they erupt, holding grudges can affect our relationships in the same way. It can be particularly destructive to your relationship, and it doesn't matter if you are feeling it or causing it; eventually, it can turn this important part of your life into a burden you no longer want. The earlier you address the underlying cause of the grudge, the quicker the situation can improve, but it must be done in the right way that won't worsen things. The following advice can help anyone achieve this, making relationships in life much more relaxed, fulfilling, and happy.
What Is a Grudge?
A grudge is a feeling of hurt, disappointment, anger, or any other negative emotion that persists over time, repeatedly coming to mind and affecting behavior or thinking patterns. Someone holding a grudge usually feels wronged, and this feeling doesn't fade but rather intensifies over time, just like their attitude towards the person who caused the negative emotion. Over weeks, months, and sometimes even years, grudges and feelings of bitterness towards a partner can destroy relationships because they hinder expressions of love and empathy. The person holding a grudge doesn't intentionally sabotage the relationship, especially in romantic partnerships and marriages, but they feel compelled to express their pain in some way. Instead of doing it destructively, it's crucial to develop and adopt coping mechanisms with clear guidelines, which will be further elaborated on below.
Signs of Holding a Grudge
Every marriage, relationship, or connection has its own characteristics, and therefore grudges or feelings of bitterness can manifest in different ways. A monotone tone of response, baseless opposition to certain ideas, or avoiding spending time together are signs of concern, and if a grudge negatively affects your relationship over time, these are the likely outcomes:
- Sex life will become significantly less important in the relationship
- The atmosphere at home will feel more like roommates rather than a romantic partnership
- The amount of time spent on conversations and enjoyable activities will drop significantly
- You will display or feel much more passive-aggressive behavior
- Comments or jokes about ending the relationship will start to appear more frequently
- Spending time together will bring about an unexplained sense of tension
8 Tips to Help You Cope with Holding Grudges in Relationships
1. Don’t Hide or Deny Your Feelings
Sometimes it's hard for people to admit what they're feeling, even to themselves. Perhaps it’s because they grew up in an environment where feelings were kept inside or dealt with personally. In other cases, people are simply afraid to express what they feel in order not to hurt the other person or to avoid admitting that something is bothering them. Whether the grudge comes from one reason or another, the outcome is destructive not only to the person themselves but also to those involved in the relationship. If it’s difficult for you to precisely define your emotions, it’s perfectly okay to take some time for yourself to organize your thoughts in order to accurately describe what is troubling you.
2. Express Your Feelings Directly
Once you’ve clarified to yourself what feelings are weighing on your heart, it’s time to explain them to the other side of the relationship. This can be challenging because what is clear to you isn’t necessarily perceived in the same way by others. Even in the most perfect relationship, there is no complete mind reading, which makes this step crucial. If you tend to elaborate excessively, beat around the bush, or avoid exposing your inner world to others, now is the time to abandon those habits and simply say what is bothering you.
3. Remind Yourself of the Harm a Grudge Can Cause
If the previous step feels particularly difficult, let us reassure you—it’s very normal. Many people tend to bury things deep in their hearts to avoid conflicts, but a grudge doesn’t let go of us easily, which often leads to issues down the road. A good way to overcome this difficulty is to make a list of reasons why keeping your thoughts to yourself won’t benefit your relationship and will likely harm it. Once all the potential damages are written out in front of you and you understand their severity, you will probably realize how important it is to address them.
4. Try to Forgive Before Pouring Out Your Heart
Sometimes a destructive grudge starts from something small, like forgetting an important date or a joke that was taken as an insult, which probably wasn’t intended to hurt you. If this describes your situation, you shouldn’t approach the discussion with the expectation that the other side will apologize—because if they don't, both of you might be hurt, and an unnecessary snowball effect could worsen the situation. Instead, aim to forgive before the discussion, thus neutralizing some of the negative emotions and mutual hurt feelings.
5. Don’t Involve Others in Your Negativity
This common mistake is usually made innocently—after all, what's more natural than sharing with good friends or family what's bothering you in your relationship? It’s true that venting, getting support, or asking for advice is important, but ultimately, the most crucial conversation needs to happen with your partner. Such talks with others can sometimes lead you to get more agitated and mix your thoughts with theirs. Of course, it’s still possible to have those conversations, even before things are worked out with your partner, but they should be done cautiously, keeping in mind where your energy should be focused.
6. Try to Develop Empathy
The ability to see situations through someone else's eyes is essential for any relationship, especially romantic ones. It’s difficult under normal circumstances and even more so when there is an event that makes you hold a grudge and feel hurt. However, this doesn't mean you can't try; in particularly difficult situations, you could try suggesting a couple's exercise where both of you write a description of the incident that led to the accumulation of resentment. This way, you may understand each other’s different perspectives better.
7. Focus on the Other Person’s Positive Qualities
The people you choose to spend your life with are never perfect, as no one really is. Therefore, alongside the positive qualities they possess, there are also problematic traits that often provoke grudges and feelings of bitterness that can poison relationships. These problems must be addressed as previously mentioned, but it's crucial not to give the source of the grudge such significant weight that it overshadows the positive traits and the foundation of love in your relationship. It’s even recommended to highlight these positive traits during conversations aimed at solving grudge-related issues in your relationship.
