Many parents struggle at the time when they put their children to bed, whether the problem is that the child doesn’t fall asleep or that they wake up repeatedly throughout the night. First, let us reassure you that this won’t last forever. However, if you want it to stop right now, you may need to change something in the bedtime routine you’re applying or adopt a new one. To help you understand exactly what you’re doing wrong and what you should be doing, we have some tips from pediatricians that will help ensure every child – from babies to preschool-aged kids – can sleep properly.
How Parents of Babies Sabotage Their Sleep
There’s nothing more natural for parents than hugging their baby and rocking them to sleep when they cry at night, but experts recommend stopping this at 3 months. Many parents rock the crib, walk with the baby, or bounce on an exercise ball to put their children to sleep, but this prevents the baby from developing a mechanism to self-soothe and establish healthy sleep-wake patterns.
"As a result, babies learn to fall asleep with your help, and when they wake up at night, they can’t go back to sleep on their own," explains Dr. Judith Owens from the Center for Pediatric Sleep at Boston Children’s Hospital. During the first few weeks of life, you can do anything that helps your baby sleep, but at 3 months, experts recommend putting them in the crib tired but awake. Although they’ll cry for a while, they’ll eventually learn to fall asleep on their own. Here are a few more things you might be doing that sabotage your baby’s sleep:
Naps on the Move
"If your baby is used to napping during the day in a stroller or car, they’ll associate movement with sleep and find it harder to fall asleep without it," explains Dr. Jodi Mindell, associate director of the Sleep Center at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. You should aim for at least half of your baby’s naps to be in a stationary crib, and even more if possible.
Feeding During Bedtime
Dr. Angela Mattke, a pediatrician from Minnesota, shares that when her son was a baby, she would nurse him right before putting him to sleep. "Because of this, every time he woke up at night, he couldn’t go back to sleep until I nursed him," she says. At 8 months, when he was still waking up 3-4 times a night, she decided to change this routine and start sleep training.
After a very challenging week, she gradually gave her son some time to self-soothe before returning to his room, avoiding nursing him again. Slowly, he learned to calm himself. It’s best to finish feeding before the bedtime routine begins and not incorporate it into the process. Also, nurse or feed the baby in a different room from where they sleep, so they don’t associate feeding with sleep.
You Don’t Have a Consistent Bedtime Method
If you’re interested in starting sleep training for your baby, do so only from 4 months and up. "There are several methods that work, but you need to choose one and stick with it," recommends Dr. Lisa Meltzer, a pediatrician and child sleep expert from the University of Chicago. You can place the baby in the crib awake but drowsy and let them cry before returning to comfort them, or opt for a more gradual approach, like the Ferber method (the 5-minute method), which we’ll explain shortly.
The Ferber method can be started at 6 months. With this method, you ignore the crying for 5 minutes, comfort the baby, then let them try to fall asleep on their own again, allowing them to cry if needed. You return after 5 minutes of crying if necessary, repeating this until they fall asleep. After 3 nights like this, you increase the interval to 10 minutes, continuing until the baby learns to fall asleep independently.
You Respond to Every Little Noise
Don’t rush to your baby at every little sound they make in the crib—give them time to fall back asleep on their own. If the baby sleeps in a room with an older sibling and you’re worried they’ll wake them, don’t be concerned. Even if the older child wakes up, they’ll fall back asleep quickly. "If you run to check on the baby at every little noise, you’ll create a little monster who cries every time something minor bothers them," says Dr. Mindell.
How Parents of Toddlers Sabotage Their Sleep
Most children transition from 2 naps a day to 1 nap between 15-18 months, so pay attention to your child’s needs and adjust the nap routine accordingly. If the child naps too much during the day, they won’t be tired enough to fall asleep properly at night. Generally, from this age, a child doesn’t need more than 3 hours of napping during the day. Here are some ways you might be sabotaging your toddler’s sleep:
You Let Them Nap Too Late (and Outside in a Stroller)
Make sure your child doesn’t fall asleep too late in the afternoon, as this will make it harder for them to get tired enough to sleep at a normal bedtime. "Naps should start before 2:00 PM," says Dr. Meltzer. Of course, there are times when this isn’t possible, and it’s okay to deviate from the routine occasionally, but what should remain consistent is where the child falls asleep. "Toddlers should nap in their own bed—not on the couch, not in your bed, and not in a stroller," she recommends.
You Transition to a Toddler Bed Too Early
Many parents feel they need to move their toddler to a toddler bed by age 2, but it’s recommended to avoid this. Think about it from your child’s perspective: "You’re taking away the place where they feel safe, and toddlers don’t always have the behavioral control to stay within the bed’s boundaries," explains Dr. Mindell. Unless the toddler is consistently climbing out of the crib, it’s best to wait until age 3 before transitioning them to a regular bed.
You Stimulate Your Child with Games Before Bed
If your bedtime routine includes tickling, dancing, or anything else that might excite your child and make them laugh or play, you should change it. The child needs to be calm for about an hour before going to sleep. "If the child is running around and building up adrenaline, it’ll be hard for them to fall asleep quickly," says Dr. Owens. What you should do an hour before bedtime is read books. If you really want the child to play, let them play with simple things like cards, but nothing that will excite them or make them run around.
You Don’t Enforce Boundaries
Your child needs to understand that there are boundaries they can’t cross. "Once my child started sleeping in a regular bed at age 3, I set a rule that he stays in it and doesn’t leave after I say goodnight," explains Dr. Mattke. "He can call us, but he can’t get out to come to us." You need to ensure your child follows these boundaries, but if they do cross them, don’t get angry. Check that they’re feeling okay and not sick or having nightmares. If everything’s fine, return them to bed—whether by walking them back or carrying them—just make sure they get back quickly.
How Parents of Preschoolers Sabotage Their Sleep
There comes a stage in every baby and toddler’s life when they finally sleep through the night, but suddenly problems arise that cause them to wake up or resist sleep. For example, when they’re old enough to understand the world around them, they might want to see and know what their parents are doing after they go to bed. Beyond that, the reason they’re not sleeping properly might be things you’re doing wrong, and here’s what you need to fix:
You Don’t Teach Your Child Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the practice of helping your child connect with their emotions, sensations, and thoughts. Using the term "mindfulness" instead of "meditation" makes it easier for the child to understand that the goal is self-observation and to connect the word to the action. You can teach your child breathing techniques or engage them in meditation techniques suitable for children so they get used to thinking quietly on their own, even when overwhelmed with emotions. This will help them sleep even on days when a lot has happened.
You Lie Next to Your Child in Their Room as They Fall Asleep
If you’ve gotten your child used to this so far, it won’t be easy to stop, but it’s possible. You’ll need to do it gradually—start by sitting on the edge of the bed instead of lying next to them as they fall asleep. After a few nights, move to a chair on the other side of the room, then after a few more nights, move the chair closer to the door, and finally exit the room, leaving the door open.
You Make a Big Deal Out of Nighttime Wetting
Bedwetting can be very frustrating for both you and your child, but it’s best not to make a big deal out of it. "It’s completely natural for kids under 7 to have accidents," says Dr. Mattke. You should handle it quietly and calmly, changing your child’s clothes and bedding without complaining or stressing them out. Using a mattress protector will help a lot—it prevents the mattress itself from getting wet, so you can simply remove the sheets and replace them without having to dry the mattress in the middle of the night.
You Don’t Reward a Good Bedtime
If your child regularly makes a fuss about going to bed, instead of arguing or threatening them, consider rewarding them when they do it right. Make sure the last step in the bedtime routine before sleep is something they enjoy, giving them something to look forward to right before they close their eyes. For example, if they love playing with their toys, let them have 5 minutes of calm playtime in bed, and after those 5 minutes, they say goodnight to the toys and promise to see them again in the morning. Alternatively, it could be listening to a song they like right before bed—just make sure it’s a calm one.
Another trick is to give kids “tickets” they can exchange for rewards. Before bed, give them 2 “tickets” (this can be any object you choose), and they must give you one each time they get out of bed and leave their room. If they have tickets left in the morning, they can trade them for a sticker or another reward of your choice. This will motivate them to stay in bed.
You Force Your Child to Sleep
At preschool age, kids don’t need many naps—or any—during the day, but there will still be days when they’re more tired than others. Instead of forcing your child to take a nap, let them rest in bed even without sleeping. They can play a calm game, and what’s important is that they simply rest a bit, not necessarily fall asleep. If they do fall asleep, wake them after an hour. They don’t need to sleep more than that.
In Conclusion
In many cases, children’s sleep problems are more tied to parental habits than to the child themselves. If you’ve tried fixing everything we suggested and it still hasn’t helped, you might need assistance from your pediatrician or a sleep consultant. As we said at the start, rest assured that these issues will eventually stop. The question is when, and you can ensure it starts now rather than after you’re already exhausted from raising your kids.
