A well-known problem or habit in relationships is complaining, whether about life, ourselves or our significant other. Studies show that people do this 15-30 times a day, often without noticing. The purpose of complaining is usually positive, aimed at allowing us to vent and share the challenges and troubles of our day. However, most of us are unaware of the negative effects of frequent complaining, which include increased blood pressure and a higher risk of heart disease and diabetes. Complaints can also annoy listeners and drain their energy, especially when coming from someone who rejects advice and shows no willingness to solve their problems. Complaints significantly impact those closest to us, especially in romantic relationships. Therefore, it is not surprising that they can be particularly destructive to such bonds, whether about life in general or directly targeting the partner. For this reason, it is important to understand the implications of this habit on relationships, learn how to handle common complaints that we all express and hear, and discover a winning formula to turn complaints into something that strengthens your romantic connections.
Complaints in Relationships
This bad habit can erode relationships, whether it’s intended to vent daily experiences or to express negative opinions about your partner’s actions. While complaints in moderation can have positive effects on relationships, such as helping to deepen the connection and provide important support, repetitive complaints create an exhausting cycle. This undermines the willingness to provide necessary tools like listening, support, and care, bringing you back to the starting point of feeling frustrated.
Additionally, when complaints are directed at your partner or vice versa, they can become criticism, leading to contempt, defensiveness, and even serious arguments. According to relationship therapists, this is a common phenomenon, and in most cases, it is possible to identify the nature of the complaints and take targeted actions to change the situation. The following 4 common complaints often stem from a perceptual gap between partners’ feelings, and resolving them involves understanding the other side.
1. "I feel like you’re managing me and don’t trust me"
Sometimes, people tend to remind their partner repeatedly to do a specific task, such as replacing a burnt-out lightbulb in the kitchen. Although their intentions are good, their partner may become frustrated and feel controlled when criticized and not trusted. If you encounter this problem, explain to your partner—logically and calmly—why it’s important to you that they fulfill your request urgently. For example, you can clarify that without replacing the bulb soon, you won’t be able to see what you’re cooking, making it less enjoyable to do this activity together. Once your partner understands that you have a valid reason for your reminders and that you’re acting out of goodwill for both of you, they’ll see that you’re not trying to manage them.
2. "I feel unwanted"
As a result of the previous type of complaint, people might feel that their partner isn’t listening to them and that they’re unimportant. Meanwhile, the partner might feel they’re being nagged with requests that seem insignificant at the moment, leading them to stop listening. If this sounds familiar, you need to understand that your partner isn’t ignoring you out of indifference but because of a difference in how important you each perceive the task. If it’s important to you, explain why it’s urgent instead of assuming they must do it just because you asked. Once they understand this and realize how you feel when they delay, they’ll complete the task promptly, without nagging or frustration. At the same time, they’ll need to show more patience toward you, understanding that if you’ve asked multiple times, it’s likely a task that matters to you. Ignoring it might make you feel disrespected.
3. "I feel excluded"
In relationships, people might sometimes feel excluded when their partner seems to live in their own world, not showing enough interest in them or spending sufficient time together. This could happen if the partner spends hours watching TV alone, on the computer, or outside the house. On the other hand, the partner might feel nagged for more attention. To resolve this, clarify to your partner that spending more time together and fostering openness is important to you to avoid loneliness. At the same time, provide the space they need. If they claim they show you love that you struggle to accept, learn to appreciate it as much as possible. Once both of you recognize each other’s needs and demands, it will be much easier to function as a couple.
4. "I feel unappreciated"
Sometimes, people feel they don’t receive enough compliments from their partner for the efforts they make in the relationship or to cope with life’s challenges. You might have encountered this situation where your partner feels they’re working hard without hearing a word of appreciation or because they give you compliments that you refuse to accept. Another common complaint in relationships is that one partner frequently complains while believing they’re actually quiet and self-restrained.To prevent such complaints, both partners should learn to value the efforts and gestures each makes to make the other feel better. When your partner feels you complain too much, explain how often you’ve held back because you love them and want to avoid arguments. Most importantly—thank them for compliments and offer kind words without expecting anything in return, simply to make them smile.
3 Solutions for Handling Complaints in Relationships
Experts recommend 3 methods to help you address this bad habit and build a healthier relationship.
1. Talk About Your Feelings
This solution, already suggested earlier in the article, is the best and probably the first thing you should try: a pleasant conversation to clear the air. Do this in a place where both of you feel comfortable, explain to your partner what you thought and felt in a specific situation, and then listen to them and try to understand their perspective and feelings.This can bridge basic misunderstandings about each other's emotions. Once you’ve done this, agree on how to behave if the situation arises again. For instance, if your partner feels unappreciated, agree that you’ll start complimenting their efforts, and if you feel they’re not listening, ask them to do so.
2. Encourage Positive Thinking
Sometimes, you want to support your partner and help them think positively after they’ve made complaints, using responses like "It’ll be okay" or offering optimistic solutions. The problem is that people aren’t always ready to accept such help and may think you’re not listening, only trying to give quick fixes to stop their complaints. To provide genuine support and a shoulder to lean on, make it clear that you truly want to help them. One way to do this is by starting your response with "Yes, I understand why that bothers you, but…" to show that you’ve listened and understand their feelings, while also offering a different, more positive way to view the issue causing them distress.
3. Perform Positive Gestures
A relationship is a roller coaster with both pleasant experiences and challenging moments. To make it healthier, change the atmosphere by eliminating negative feelings and acknowledging positive gestures, including the efforts each partner makes, good intentions, and compromises. For example, bring your partner flowers or their favorite chocolates to put a smile on their face, or simply remind them multiple times a day how much you love them. Initially, you might have to make a conscious effort to act this way, but over time it will become a natural habit that will greatly enhance your relationship.
The Formula to Complain "Correctly"
Dr. John Gottman, a researcher in relationships and parenting, devised a magical formula for expressing complaints in a way that doesn’t make your partner feel attacked. Using this formula alongside the solutions presented will help you express your feelings effectively. The formula is divided into three steps:
1. Express Your Feelings
Instead of making accusations that often begin with "You never do…" and lead to arguments, explain gently how you feel. For example, if you were hurt because your partner didn’t complete a task you asked for or didn’t help you as expected, tell them this without scolding and add that it made you feel unimportant.
2. Focus on One Situation
Concentrate on a single incident that made you uncomfortable without bringing up similar events from the past, as they may unnecessarily open Pandora’s box. For instance, if your partner behaved poorly toward you in front of friends or left the sink full of dishes despite your prior requests, talk only about the most recent occurrence that prompted you to complain. Avoid citing examples from months ago that might have had entirely different circumstances. Remember, when your complaints focus on one event rather than becoming general criticism, your partner is more likely to listen and respond positively.
3. Offer a Practical and Positive Solution
At the end of the conversation, tell your partner what they can do to solve the issue you’re complaining about. For example, if you feel they don’t reach out to you enough during the day, suggest setting a reminder for themselves to call you at least once when they’re free. Or, if it bothers you that they prefer spending time with friends instead of supporting you after a hard day, suggest meeting their friends another time and comforting you in the moment, as you would do for them.
In Conclusion
Maintaining a relationship can be a challenging task, especially when one partner complains frequently. Since this habit has negative consequences, it’s worth using the methods suggested to build a healthy and lasting relationship that will make your life much happier.
