There aren’t many couples who don’t fight, and even those who seem the sweetest and best matched for each other don’t really manage to avoid disputes and conflicts because it’s a natural thing that comes up in any relationship.
What distinguishes between successful and less successful couples is the way they fight and their ability to identify and relate to issues that arise repeatedly in arguments, without being intimidated and with the goal of finding a solution. Almost every couple experiences friction over these normal issues - the key is being equipped with effective ways to deal with them and get out of the cycle of repeated sentences and accusations. Here are 8 common arguments that you’ve probably had with your partner in the past, and the ways to solve them if they come up again.
Money is a fairly loaded subject in relationships; some of us come from different economic backgrounds and different means, and most of us have different perceptions of thrift and extravagance. Once the money is shared by the couple, it tends to become the focus of arguments about how it should be used, and sometimes unpleasant statements about who earns more and who spends more will come up. Since it is a limited resource, the way to share it to everyone's satisfaction seems impossible - one side might want to take a luxurious vacation, for example, and the other might want to invest the money in renovating the house.
A major part of dealing with an argument is to recognize the different wants of your spouse and to give them the confirmation that their desires are also heard and taken into consideration. Since money is a limited resource for most of us, the best way to deal with disputes about how to make use of large amounts of it is simply taking turns. Sit down with your partner and talk to them about what you would like to do with your savings. Decide which of you gets to choose its use first and which will get their turn next.
There is probably no one more right than us in our own eyes, but the only problem with this feeling is that this is also what others think of themselves. We are confident that we know the "right" way to do things and sometimes feel the strong need to educate others with this knowledge. In our view, there is a correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher, a correct way to park the car, a proper way to talk to the bank clerk, and so on. When it comes to marriage, the need to "correct" your partner and teach them how to do things "correctly" can be domineering, and lead to endless arguments.
The secret to solving conflicts and the "right" way to do things is by internalizing the price versus the benefit. You may think that folding the laundry in the way you are used to, for example, is very essential, without which your closet would look like a big mess. But if you take another second to think, you’ll realize that the fight and frustration caused by these arguments may not be worth the extra caution and comments. Try to think about where you can be flexible and where you can’t, and explain to your partner why one thing is more important to you and what you are willing to compromise on. In the end, if you commented to your spouse and they did what you wanted, you may have won the battle for imposing your opinion, but you lose the war on marital satisfaction.
Probably the only time that most couples remember favorably is the moment when their sexual needs were matched - the beginning of the relationship. Those stormy months in which it’s impossible to stop touching each other unfortunately passes, and most people in these relationships will develop different needs regarding the frequency and nature of sex, and their desire for intimate contact. Although a reduced sex drive is often attributed to women, this is not necessarily the case, and periods of stress and tension can lead to abstinence in both sexes.
It’s important to remember that each of us is a sexual being, but some of us sometimes need more deliberate effort to wake up our drive. For the most part, when the relationship is tense or distant, it’s also naturally expressed in one’s sexual drive, because it’s difficult to separate the two, and it’s important that you deal with the matters that exist between the both of you on the surface. When it comes to sexuality, instead of trying to reach a state of intimacy in a transparent or blunt way, try to stimulate it by giving, for example, give your partner a massage and try to turn them on through the releasing touch. Alternatively, if you’ve already fought, take advantage of the moments of reconciliation to realize the desire that exists between you both at that moment.
You may be in a relationship where your partner wants to spend more time with you, while you prefer to spend some time alone or with other friends, or the opposite. This is an explosive and common issue and if it leads to fights, it is only natural. Usually, the spouse who is more interested will read the other side's need for time without them as a desire to distance themselves, as a lack of commitment and even as a source of threat to the relationship. If your partner started spending more time with friends instead of spending more time with you, you’ve probably already had a few fights on the subject and wondered if you even have the right to ask them to give up something they like.
Sometimes there is a fine line that separates the desire for independence, personal expression and satisfaction, and the risk of creating distance between spouses. On the other hand, there is also the possibility of getting into a state of total devotion that causes you to erase yourself. The solution lies in finding a balance between all these, and the responsibility to find it rests with both partners. Don’t give in to the need to be together every second of the day, but be careful not to spend too much time with other people and without your spouse. The more you walk the "highway" where you don’t feel threatened by too much distance or closeness, you’ll gain more and more confidence in it.
Housework is often a source of constant friction between spouses; there are those who usually feel that they doing more and do it better, and this leads to fights and anger that are the lot of many couples who get more and more frustrated with this constant issue. These arguments tend to degenerate into mutual accusations and create a sense of disgrace, which in a sober gaze is mainly about the desire for equality and recognition between spouses.
The person who feels that they do more of the chores and take on more responsibility must give up some of the control, and accept that when their spouse or even one of their children do the same chore, whether it’s laundry or dusting, it won’t necessarily be done the way they consider perfect or good. On the other hand, the partner who avoids housework needs to take into consideration the damage this avoidance causes to their relationship and the tension it creates. The most recommended thing to do is to sit with your spouse and decide which chores belong exclusively to each of you so that everyone will have their own responsibility that the other person doesn’t interfere with or micromanage.
Fights surrounding child rearing are completely normal and common, and the expectation that two people will think the same about this significant issue is almost unfounded. Couples can argue about their children's discipline, hours of sleep, homework and eating habits, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. When it comes to the birth of a first child, the changes that occur in a relationship can be very shaky and create great tension between spouses.
While disagreements about raising child are very natural, dealing with them must be done in advance. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you need to come together on the essential issues rather than creating confusion. For example, you can decide that mom allows the kids to stay up until eight in the evening and dad allows until eight-thirty, when each is alone with the children, but when the two of you are together at home, there must be a clear decision about the time when children go to bed without sending conflicting messages on the matter. If you are a couple who has just had their first child, it is important that you be patient with the changes that are happening to you and in your relationship and that you are already making informed decisions about how you want to raise the baby - be prepared for mutual compromises.
One of the things that many couples argue about is the level of emotional openness that exists between them; the desire to share our burden and listen to your partner's deepest desires and needs is indeed natural and is the way to deepen the connection between two people, but it isn’t always easily realized or even realized at all. Some more closed off people don’t want to talk about their day, and this can create a sense of distance or fear of hiding for the partner who is more interested in sharing.
Even the most closed off people want to share their sensitivity or pain and find a sympathetic ear. They may sometimes do so through general issues that aren’t necessarily personal, but the need still exists. The things that encourage emotional openness are the softness, lack of judgment, listening, and openness of the other side. If your partner has shared something personal about their feelings or day, don’t bring the issue up during a fight and don’t break the trust between the two of you - because it is difficult to get back. Turn your marital environment into a safe place where you can be vulnerable and sensitive, talk to your closed off partner, and be sure to support them.
You can’t live with jealousy, and you can live without it? Most of us experience a state of total absence of jealousy as a lack of caring from your partner and a sense of being taken for granted. On the other hand, prying questions about keeping in touch with ex-partners, for example, can make us feel suffocated and not trusted. The search for a sense of security in the relationship can lead us to undesirable and obsessive places where we lose ourselves.
First, we must accept the fact that we can’t stop or prevent anyone from betraying or harming us if they choose to do so. What we have control over is the preservation of our own value even at times when we have suspicions. Instead of "chasing" your partner with disturbing jealous behavior, empower yourself and rely on your virtues and morals instead of comparing yourself to an external element that you see as a threat. You could be the best partner you strive to be, but you won’t be able to play policeman trying to prevent a spouse from committing a “crime”. Demonstrate jealousy that is in good taste and that your spouse will enjoy, but don’t spend your time watching over your partner. If they’ve shown you signs of decency and loyalty - trust them. If not - choose whether to stay in the relationship or leave.
