In many cases, educating children is a matter of trial and error. Every parent knows that successes are oftentimes accompanied by unpleasant failures. Ever since I became a mother, I have explored various ways of dealing with discipline problems, and I must admit that some of them were completely ineffective and did not last. What I have clearly understood from my experience is that good education begins at home.
The following disciplinary rules are the ones that worked for my family – they are rules that I adopted after I had decided what I was willing or unwilling to do as a mother of two. After observing the rules I had set for myself, the rest of the family joined me. Even though some of them are unconventional, I can assure you that these 8 child rearing rules work really well:
I use this sentence when my children argue, and my initial instinct is to raise my voice and punish them. Children know when they are behaving badly, and the use of the sentence: “I ask that you choose differently” gives them a chance to make a choice and make me proud of their decisions – something kids are always looking to do for their parents. When my children see that I am disappointed in them, it is usually more powerful than a punishment or me yelling at them. Only if the bad behavior persists do I turn to other disciplinary methods like taking away one of their privileges such as computer games so that they know that there are consequences to the wrong choices they make.
I admit that this next rule requires plenty of persistence, but you have to act consistently and not back down to stop behaviors such as crying, whining, shouting, disrespect, and tantrums. The rule states that any request that comes as a demand and includes crying and anger is a request that my ear simply doesn’t hear, and since I can’t hear it, I can’t respond to it. When one of my kids has an outburst I whisper: “I can’t understand what you are saying when you speak like that”. I don’t continue the discussion until the child approaches and speaks to me calmly.
I tried to persuade my kids to help out around the house in all sorts of ways in the past, but most of them did not work for very long. I learned the following trick from a friend and I can say that I have found it to be effective. After countless attempts, I realized I couldn’t force my children to do chores and help around the house without eventually being forced to punish them. Seeing as kids want to be with their parents most of the time, I decided to adopt a simple rule. If I'm cleaning or organizing a certain room in the house, my kids are not allowed to be in the same room as me unless they're helping me out. I leave the choice up to them, which means that I'm not forcing them to clean, but they have a great incentive to do so.
I apply the following rule when my children fail to do their chores and leave the cleaning and tidying up to me. My simple rule is that if I put away their books and toys, I will not tell them where I put them when they go looking for them later on. I explain to them that if they want to find their things easily, they should put them away themselves. If they make a big mess looking for the toy or book, I don’t clean up after them and I tell them that they have until tomorrow to pick up and put away their things. Anything left on the floor is donated to charity.
I haven’t always understood that my children have pride too, and they, like me, don’t like to be scolded publicly. When I internalized my children’s need to keep our personal connection private, we decided that from then on, if I wanted them to stop doing something when we are around other people I would use a code word that we had agreed upon in advance. In our case, my son chose “SpongeBob” and my daughter chose “Minnie Mouse.” When they get rowdy, cheeky or do things they shouldn’t be doing in front of friends and family, I just shout: “hey SpongeBob!” or “hey Minnie Mouse!” And most of the time they respect the fact that I noticed and commented on their behavior, and they stop it.
Most children don’t understand the value of money, so naturally, they will ask if we can buy whatever it is they lay their eyes on, regardless of whether it's expensive, worthless, or something they have plenty of at home.
The rule I have adopted for myself is to give a simple “yes” or “no” with a one-time explanation of why, but I do not engage in an extensive debate with them about money and the way I choose to use it. If they have pocket money, I suggest they use their money to buy an object or toy that they want and I don’t interfere with their decision, even if it seems wrong to me. This rule gives kids a deeper understanding of money and teaches them independence, decision-making, and respecting others' decisions.
After various arguments I had with my kids surrounding bedtime and the things they had to do before getting into bed, I decided that instead of reminding them of the things they needed to do before bedtime, I would just tell them what the bedtime rule is instead. I told them that, starting today, I stop working at 9pm, which is their bedtime. This means that I would be more than happy to help them take a shower, make them dinner, play with them and read them a story, but I would refuse to respond to any requests they make after 9pm because of labor laws pertaining to working mothers!
When my kids realized that I was serious and adhering to this rule that I had adapted for myself, they developed a better understanding of time and started planning their evening activities in a way that would give them plenty of time to get things done before bedtime. My husband, who understood that everything that wasn’t done by 9pm would become his responsibility, began to help out with bedtime preparations. All in all, this rule turned out to be a great success.
