1. Lack of attention to each other
When one partner doesn’t get enough attention from the other, it triggers a chain reaction leading to arguments and, of course, frustrations. If you are the one suffering from a lack of attention from your partner, it’s important to try to make them aware of it without demanding anything. You will likely need to take the first step yourself and give a little more attention to your partner so that at least you can create an atmosphere where you can talk openly about the issue. Prepare a romantic meal and bring up the topic during it.
On the other hand, perhaps you’re the one not giving enough attention to your partner, and they may have raised the issue with you. Even if they haven’t, there are some signs that they need more attention from you:
- They want to be with you and around you more than usual because they fear the disconnection growing between you, or conversely, they may become very distant because they feel hurt and neglected by you.
- They show passive-aggressive behavior, as they are upset and unhappy but choose to hide these feelings.
- They spend more time on their smartphone than before, trying to fill the void in your relationship through social media.
- They’ve stopped sharing their needs with you because they’ve grown accustomed to relying on themselves and doing everything alone.
- They are no longer interested in sexual intimacy and feel as though you are strangers to each other on an intimate level.
If you notice these signs, try planning a trip or a date together, make more joint decisions – even if they seem trivial or insignificant – and, of course, make more time for your partner. There are other signs and tips for those who feel that they and their partner have drifted apart – click here to learn more.
2. Problems with the partner's parents
Is it okay to hate your partner's family? The surprising answer is yes, and there are many reasons for this. However, this situation can be very frustrating for both of you, but there are things you can do to ease the burden for both yourself and your partner. Always try to restrain your words unless the family has said or done something offensive, and don’t make the strained relationship with in-laws a central issue in your marriage. If something did hurt you, be honest and open with your partner. The most important thing is not to make them choose sides, but you can definitely ask your partner to stand up for you when their family behaves in a hurtful way.
On the other hand, your partner might not get along with your family, and it could be the fault of any party. Listen to everyone and try to understand the root cause of the problem. Know that one party may be unjustified in their complaints, simply "hating" the other for selfish reasons, or if it’s your parents, they may not approve of your choice of partner because they had different expectations. Respect all parties and decide together how the relationship with them will look. For example, you might choose not to spend Friday evenings or certain events at your parents' house. If your partner doesn’t want to meet with your family, it’s important to give them the freedom to make that choice.
If you reach a situation where your partner or your parents force you to choose sides, the correct choice is usually to stand by your partner, who is the new family you’ve chosen for yourself – unless, of course, the parents' reasons for disliking the partner are valid, such as if they believe your partner is not good for you. Conversely, you can have a conversation with both sides and demand they behave more civilly toward one another. If that’s not possible, it’s recommended to prevent interaction between them and simply spend time with each party separately.
3. Career delays because of the relationship
In relationships, sacrifices are inevitable, and when it comes to careers, often one partner must sacrifice their own for the other’s professional future, especially when children are involved. This is almost unavoidable, but as Professor Jennifer Petriglieri explains, it’s crucial to make this choice together – deciding who will stay home more with the kids and who will focus on advancing their career. She explains the reasons behind this well in the following video.
But what happens when your partner actively sabotages your career – intentionally or unknowingly? The first thing you must do is talk about it and express how you feel, as your partner may not be aware of the problem. There are various reasons a partner might sabotage your success, including jealousy, competitiveness, low self-esteem, or lack of ambition.
To show the lack of support to a partner who is unaware of the problem, present examples of their past actions that demonstrate this. For instance, if they make you doubt your abilities. Then, share examples of the behavior you would expect instead, such as offering more positive feedback. It’s essential to be aware and try to understand if you are also sabotaging your partner’s career in a similar way. If so, try to offer criticism using the "sandwich method" – for every negative comment, provide two positive ones, one before and one after. This makes it easier for your partner to accept the feedback without feeling bad.
4. Lack of help with household chores or children
When two people live in one house, both are equally responsible for the tasks that need to be done there, and even more so when it comes to raising children. So how can you get your partner to help more? First, sit down and talk to them, making them understand and acknowledge that they could be doing more.
Set specific areas of responsibility for each of you, such as laundry, washing dishes, cleaning the house, and so on. If needed, set an ultimatum, such as refusing to wash your partner’s clothes anymore – you’re not anyone’s servant. However, your partner might not perform tasks as you would, and it’s important not to criticize them if some dust remains on the floor after they’ve cleaned it, for example, or if they make a mess in the kitchen while cooking a meal.
The same applies to children – make sure that one of you is responsible for taking them to school and the other to extracurricular activities, so each knows exactly what is expected. At the same time, note that it’s okay – and even desirable – to assign certain household responsibilities to your children. However, you might avoid this for various reasons, which are actually just excuses. Click here to discover these excuses and learn how to encourage kids to help around the house.
5. Lack of freedom in the relationship
Almost every relationship takes away some degree of your freedom, as many choices you make will impact your partner and even the whole family. However, it’s undeniable that you also have your own needs and desires, and you must let your partner know about them. This topic is actually connected to all the other items on this list, where you can find the appropriate tips for you. But sometimes, there is a serious problem where one partner is overly controlling or suspicious, not allowing you even basic freedoms, such as access to shared finances or the ability to spend time with certain friends or family members.
In such cases, the controlling partner will be highly critical, make you feel guilty when you’ve done nothing wrong, threaten you in one way or another, and try to isolate you from the people you love. If you recognize these signs and cannot go to couples counseling together, or if your partner is abusive, relationship experts will recommend ending this destructive relationship. Controlling individuals of this nature are often people with psychopathic or narcissistic tendencies, and you will not be able to reason with them or get them to see your side of the story.
6. Intimacy issues
According to a study conducted in the UK , 15% of men and 34% of women report losing interest in sex and having a very low sex drive. Sometimes, medications or certain mental states affect sexual desire and even capabilities, leading the partner to avoid intimacy due to embarrassment. But primarily, the routine of married life is what wears you down from this perspective, as not everyone can maintain a high level of attraction to the person they married after many years.
If you are the one with a higher sex drive, it’s important to know that begging or getting angry won’t help. If you want to understand why your partner is not interested in sex like before, ask them without fear. Additionally, try spending more alone time together, like at the beginning – without engaging in sexual activity. Even intimate activities like reading the same book together in bed can bring you closer and increase the attraction you have toward each other. Another tip is to treat sex as the main course of a meal, preceded by appetizers and first and second courses of cuddling, soft touches, kisses, foreplay, and more. This will increase the anticipation and excitement leading to the act itself.
If you are on the other side and experiencing a low sex drive, you can agree with your partner on a fixed day of the week for sex. This might not sound very romantic, but if approached correctly and you both get excited about it as if it’s a beloved experience, it can lead to anticipation and even boost your sex drive. You can also consume more foods that boost sexual desire, and if the problem is not the drive but functionality, consult a doctor who can help treat the issue or ask if it’s possible to switch any medication causing it.
