Is Relationship Anxiety Normal?
First, let us reassure you that relationship anxiety is very common. Some people experience it at the beginning of a relationship, for example, when it’s still unclear if the other person is as interested or attracted to you as you are to them, or if you’re unsure whether you want to pursue this relationship. However, this feeling can also arise in a long-term relationship due to other concerns. It’s also possible that you’re experiencing anxiety unrelated to the relationship itself, but it manifests in behaviors and reactions that create problems in your relationship, thereby generating relationship anxiety.
What Are the Signs of Relationship Anxiety?
This anxiety can manifest in various ways. Most people feel insecure about their relationship at some stage, particularly in the early phases or when it’s time to commit to each other. This situation shouldn’t stress you out too much because these fears and anxieties will pass, and they won’t have a significant impact on you. However, sometimes obsessive thoughts about your relationship can interfere with your daily life. Here are some signs that may indicate relationship anxiety:
Wondering If You Matter to Your Partner
One of the most common ways relationship anxiety manifests is through the question, "Does he/she care about me?" or "Is he/she there for me?" This reflects a basic need to feel a sense of belonging, connection, and security in the relationship. Here are some examples of things that might worry you:
- Your partner doesn’t express missing you when you’re apart for long periods.
- Your partner doesn’t offer support when serious issues arise in your life.
- Your partner mainly wants to be with you for what you can do for them.
However, it’s also possible that your partner doesn’t show much physical affection, or perhaps they don’t text or call as often as you’d like. Maybe they seem a little distant, and their way of expressing emotions has changed over time? This can happen in any relationship, and it’s normal, but if you’re constantly worried about it, you might be developing relationship anxiety.
Doubting Your Compatibility
If you’re in a good relationship, it’s natural to want to hold onto it and not let go, and to hope that nothing will happen to end it. However, these thoughts can turn into fears that your partner might leave you unexpectedly one day, and the anxiety that stems from this is problematic because it changes your behavior and creates issues instead of preventing them.
Relationship anxiety can cause you to doubt whether you’re truly compatible, even when your relationship is going well. You might even start to question your own happiness, and in response, your attention may shift to small differences between you that aren’t really significant, such as your different preferences for hobbies or even your taste in music or movies.
Sabotaging your relationship has its own signs, such as:
- Arguing with your partner over trivial matters.
- Pushing your partner away and insisting that they’re wrong when you’re in a stressful situation.
- Testing the boundaries of the relationship to see how your partner reacts.
You might not be doing these things consciously or intentionally, but your goal - whether you realize it or not - is to test how much you matter to your partner. For example, you might believe that pushing your partner away will show you how willing they are to fight to get closer to you, which would reflect their love for you. However, it’s very hard for your partner to understand this motive, so they might react in a way that doesn’t reveal what you’re hoping to find out.
Overanalyzing/Overthinking Your Partner’s Words and Actions
Maybe your partner doesn’t like holding hands, or perhaps they insist on keeping a gift from a previous partner. Yes, this might indicate a problem, but it’s more likely that they just have sweaty palms or that the gift is useful to them in a practical way. Not everything requires you to overthink it and let it lead to anxiety.
Missing Out on the Good Times Together
Still not sure if you have relationship anxiety? Take a step back and ask yourself, "Am I spending more time worrying about the relationship or enjoying it?" You might be going through a rough patch in the relationship that’s making you enjoy it less, but if this happens too often, you might be dealing with relationship anxiety.
What Causes Relationship Anxiety?
It can take time to identify what’s causing this anxiety, and often there isn’t just one clear cause. You might also struggle to recognize the causes of anxiety on your own and need the help of a professional therapist. Here are some factors that might be the true source of your anxiety:
Past Relationship Experiences
Memories of past events can affect you even if you think you’ve moved on from them. For example, you’re more likely to suffer from relationship anxiety if:
- You’ve been cheated on.
- You’ve been dumped.
- You’ve been lied to.
- You’ve been misled about the nature of the relationship
It’s hard to build trust in another person after experiencing things like this, even if that person shows no signs of similar behavior or dishonesty. However, certain triggers might remind you of these memories and fears, which can make you feel uncertain and insecure, even if you’re not fully aware of what’s causing these feelings.
Low Self-Esteem
People with low self-esteem are more likely to doubt their partner’s feelings for them, mainly because they’re more prone to disappointment in themselves, and as a result, they assume their partners feel the same way about them. In contrast, people with high self-esteem allow their relationship to strengthen them when they experience self-doubt.
Your Attachment Style
According to attachment theory, the way you bonded with your parents in your early years influences your social world as an adult. If your parents responded quickly when you needed love and support, you likely developed a secure attachment. On the other hand, if your parents didn’t consistently meet your needs, you might have developed an insecure attachment, which can manifest in two ways:
- Anxious-Ambivalent: This might lead to fears that your partner will leave you unexpectedly.
- Avoidant: This might cause anxiety about the level of commitment required from you in the relationship, especially as you deepen intimacy.
Tendency to Doubt Everything
If you’re naturally a skeptical person, it’s likely that this will seep into your relationship. If you tend to doubt your own decisions, it’s likely that you’ll also doubt the relationship you chose to enter into. This isn’t always problematic; in fact, it’s wise to carefully consider every decision in life, especially critical ones like who you commit to romantically. However, it can cause problems if you get stuck in a pattern of doubt and self-questioning that leads nowhere.
Can You Overcome Relationship Anxiety?
You might think it’s impossible, but it’s entirely possible to overcome relationship anxiety, though it will take time and effort on your part. Here are some tips to help you conquer relationship anxiety:
Maintain Your TRUE Identity
As you grow closer to your partner, you might find that your identity changes to align with theirs. This happens naturally, and while some changes are insignificant, others can cause you to lose and forget who you are. Remember that your partner fell in love with you because of who you are, and if you start to feel less like yourself, they might notice and feel like they’re losing the person they fell in love with.
Focus on the Present
Mindfulness techniques help you center your awareness on what’s happening in the present without judgment. When negative thoughts arise, acknowledge them, but also let them pass. This is very helpful if you get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking. What you need to do is prioritize the shared experiences with your partner. For example, even if you feel like the relationship might end in a month or a year, it’s better to allow yourself to enjoy it now rather than dwelling on those thoughts.
Maintain Healthy Communication
Relationship anxiety comes from within, so it usually has nothing to do with your partner. However, when the trigger comes from them—whether they tend to look at their smartphone more than at you or don’t want to join in family dinners on your side of the family—you should bring it up in a non-accusatory way. Try discussing your issues using "I feel" instead of "You always" to explain what bothers you and get a sympathetic ear.
Don’t Act on Emotion
You might want to prove to yourself and your partner that you’re right about all your feelings, but there’s no benefit in doing so. You need to distinguish between impulses and needs. For example, it’s okay to send your partner a message, but if you’re sending multiple messages to check and verify things, something might be off.
Seek a Relationship Therapist
If it’s hard for you to deal with relationship anxiety on your own, a qualified therapist can help you see things clearly and cope with everything you’re experiencing, whether in one-on-one sessions or couples therapy. They can help you understand your feelings and needs, listen to what your partner has to say without judgment or defensiveness, and show you ways to soften or silence negative thoughts. It doesn’t even have to be long-term therapy; sometimes, even a single couples counseling session can help.
