It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.