A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.