What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.