People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)