Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.