Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?

When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.

I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.

(Sarina McConnell)

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."