If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.