Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.