Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.