Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”