What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
That’s a bit mulch.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Leaf me alone.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I beg your garden?
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!