We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"