My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.