A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
"Some people have no guts."
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...