Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Join us for a slice of fun.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
I dig you a hole lot.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.