Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Call me on the shellphone.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
Ah! The element of surprise.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
I find you very a-peeling.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE