Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.