I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.