What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.